My Coronavirus Diary: London Lockdown Day 11

Random thoughts of the day:

I miss my niece and I want to hug her fiercely

I haven’t worked out in two days and my body hurts like a bitch

The number of confirmed cases increases every day (not to mention the deaths) and I am terrified the lockdown will be extended and I am very angry with Boris that he didn’t put strict measures in place earlier

Today:

Woke up at 7 am and I honestly don’t remember where I had my coffee; I think on the armchair but I am not sure

Today I wasn’t as sad as yesterday

Did Spanish lessons

Let the gardeners in to mow the grass

Made salmon shepherd’s pie and banana bread

Made lemonade

Sat in the garden with my book, soaking up the sun (spirits slightly lifted)

Chatted with friends, sister, niece

Listened to Dean Martin and Carlos Vives

How I feel:

Fortunately, I don’t feel lonely, but then I never feel lonely, it’s one of the good things my brain does for me (my bastard brain is usually not nice to me). Also, I am in contact with loads of people all day long. I swear to god, I’ve never chatted more.

The predominant feeling is grief. 

By definition, grief is the emotional suffering you feel when something you love is taken away. It comes with a whole range of emotions, from anger to disbelief to guilt and profound sadness.

Last night I watched About Time, set and filmed in London. I got all emotional and tearful every time someone would board the tube (and they were boarding the Bakerloo, which is absolutely disgusting), or walk along the busy South Bank, or go to the theatre.

The scene that broke me was the main character entering a Pret A Manager and buying a sandwich and a bottle of sparkling water. Spotting that familiar setting and object, looking at them and knowing that I can’t go to a Pret to buy sparkling water felt like seeing the love of my life in a coma. He is there, in front of me, but he’s completely shut down and I don’t know when he’s going to be back and if he does, will he be the same?

Bottom line, I miss my life. I’ve always been aware that my life in London was great. I’ve never taken it for granted and I’ve always stopped a minute in my tracks to be grateful. When this is over and I get my life back, however wobbly, I will be even more grateful and I will try to live differently, to focus more on the positive, to take in more, to be more present.

I am going through some pretty dark times at the moment but I have been thinking today that it’s not that bad. If this had happened this time last year, I would have been trapped in a house with a toxic man that was always minimising problems, never had a plan or was even remotely interested in making one, needed as much attention and care as a toddler, didn’t care to give anything back, and that would have been absolutely horrible. I mean, towards the end of the relationship, even a weekend with him was becoming increasingly unbearable. I have never been happier I got out of there than I am in this trying times.

I am also glad I didn’t settle for a man I dated for a while afterwards. He was a nice man but not exactly what I needed. I chose to let a nice man go because he wasn’t ticking enough boxes and I thought I was crazy but now I am glad. Being in confinement with someone that I didn’t like completely would be dreadful. For the first time in my life I didn’t settle for comfortable because for the first time in my life I decided I actually wanted it all. I am done with half-formed men that have no clue how to be adults, don’t know what they want or how to get it, are undecided and spoiled and can’t keep their lives under control. And now I am rewarded for raising my standards. I am enjoying a peaceful isolation, in my comfortable, clean home, and I proved to myself that one can have control over their entire life: work, household, finances, emotions. So next time a man tells me he can only do one out of four because it’s too hard and he’s too busy, I will kindly tell him to fuck off. If I can do it all, anyone can. And by the way, next time I choose a boyfriend, I will make sure to ask myself: “Would I isolate with this man for three weeks/three months?” And so should you!

Have a peaceful isolation, darlings.

(Photo: I was sent flowers the other day and they are blooming beautifully. They make me happy.)